The Weevil Who Knew Too Much

[twoweevils]

It's quite adorable, really.

A woman's period is a few days late. She pees on a stick. It's positive so she goes to the doctor for a blood test and it's confirmed! She's pregnant! She tells her partner and a few close friends and family members. She's excited and a little anxious, but mostly just thrilled and planning for the future.

As far as she's concerned, she'll be having a baby.

Ah the innocence! The sheer and unmitigated ignorance!

Doesn't she know that there are at least 1.5 MILLION things that can still go wrong?
Doesn't she know that her miscarriage risk during the first trimester is huge?
Doesn't she know about genetic abnormalities and neural tube defects?
Doesn't she know that everything can seem fine in terms of her bloodwork, but then her ultrasound will show that she's no longer pregnant?
Doesn't she know that after seeing the heart beat on an ultrasound, something can still go horribly wrong?

She may not know these things.

I do.

I've spent the last year in the "infertility community." I know about blighted ova and all the other things that can happen in the first trimester. I know people who've lost their babies at 10 or 12 weeks gestation.

I wish I could unlearn all of this. I wish I could just focus on the joy and truly enjoy the fact that, at 6 weeks 4 days, I am still pregnant. I wish I could look forward to my first ultrasound next week with the assumption that everything will be fine.

But I can't do that. Because I know too much. I have to keep reminding myself that I don't actually have anymore to worry about than those innocents who are thinking about baby names and picking out paint chips.

The only risk factor I have for miscarriage is my age. And that risk comes from the potential for genetic abnormalities in aged eggs. But that's why I've been doing acupuncture since September. One of the things that TCM can do is improve egg quality by increasing blood flow to the ovaries. I had a perfect cycle with a nice-sized and mature follicle. There's no reason to assume that there was anything wrong with that egg. My donor is in his 20s and we had the sperm washed to weed out the two-headed or otherwise weird swimmers.

I'm not underweight. I don't have underlying health problems. I eat a healthy, balanced diet that includes one square of 70% cacao chocolate. I avoid caffeine. Logically, I know that I don't have a lot to worry about. And yet, I worry. Everyone I've told about this pregnancy assumes that I'll have a baby for Christmas. But I'm worried because I've only had a little bit of mild morning sickness. I'm worried because I've seen other people's joy turn to devastation.

The fact that I know many more people who've had successful pregnancies recently (one of whom is a year older than me and eats like a truck driver), doesn't seem to hold any weight. The fact that I'm experiencing all kinds of other pregnancy symptoms (including TMI ALERT nipples that suddenly look like they should have Playtex embossed on them) doesn't alleviate my fear.

And I know that pregnancy and parenthood is fraught with worry for everyone. Having a child -- another hostage to fortune -- is going to have worries and fears that I can't even imagine right now.

So maybe I should just get used to it.

But I feel cheated because I know too much. I read posts from these blissful women who are over the moon about their pregnancies and I want desperately to fall into that state of gleeful certainty.

But I just can't do it. I'm trying to be zen and accept the fact that if something's going to go wrong there's not a thing I can do about it. I'm trying to tell myself that worrying doesn't help. I'm listening to healthy pregnancy meditations and sending protective and loving feelings to Tenacious B.

*sigh*

Basically?

I WANT TO BELIEVE.

M.

xposted to lj - comments everywhere

Comments

[cereta]

{{hugs}} I feel you. God, do I feel you. I don't think I breathed normally from the day I found out until I passed 12 weeks, and even then, I worried. I worried about everything I ate. I worried about the paint fumes at work. I worried about my age, about my completely unknown genetic history. It is, as you say, the nature of the beast.

I'm sending you all the good vibes I have.

[twoweevils]

Thank you! The worry has settled back down to a dull roar. Mostly because I've been busy trying not to puke all day. And to think I used to think that everything would be fine if I could just get pregnant. Quite the failure of imagination on my part!

M.

[lonelywalker.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I have everything crossed for all 3 of you Weevils.

[twoweevils.livejournal.com]

Thank you! *hugs*

M.

[twoweevils.livejournal.com]

It's so weird. On the one hand, I'm comforted to know that my risk is small, but I'm also unable to actually believe what they're telling me. *hugs*

M.

[oneofaradia.livejournal.com]

I'm not going to give you empty platitudes and tell you not to worry, because I know it won't stop you worrying, noting will...like you said, you know too much and knowledge is both a blessing and a curse. All I can say is continue to try and find that moment of zen, and realize that the first trimester will be over soon. Also consider youself lucky that you didn't have much morning sickness *grin*

I will continue to hold your family in the light

[twoweevils.livejournal.com]

For my sins, I puked about 20 minutes after I posted this and I've been nauseated all day. *grin*

Thank you so much!

M.

[sp23.livejournal.com]

Aw, sweetie. I think your worry is perfectly normal. My boss was just shy of 40 when she became pregnant with her first child, and she cried and worried almost the entire pregnancy sure that her child was going to be born with some kind of defect. She had all the tests and did everything right, and still cried through the entire pregnancy.

Her first born is seven now; smart as a whip, healthy, beautiful, and a constant joy to his parents.

She was over 40 when her second son was born. (*See paragraph two but change seven to five*) ;-)

I know its hard not to worry, but I'm keeping all positive thoughts and prayers for you and K and the mini!weevil. ((((hugs))))

[twoweevils.livejournal.com]

Thank you! It's always good to hear tales of older moms!

M.

[gigitrek.livejournal.com]

Seriously, I could have written this (although my sperm donor is a little over 30, but he does make up for age in other attributes :))

I've read plenty of "pregnancy after miscarriage" books, and they all say the same thing. Give yourself permission to freak out. It's normal. But, like you said, remember that despite everything you now wish you didn't know (1% of babies are stillborn without explanation? In the 21st century?) 80% of pregnancies go relatively fine, and since you can't do anything anyway, enjoy each day you have with your baby. .

[twoweevils.livejournal.com]

Thank you. *hugs* I think it helped just to write all my fears down. I'm much calmer now. Also trying not to puke.

M.

[tx-cronopio.livejournal.com]

Oh, you scared the hell out of me.

[twoweevils.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry! I didn't mean to cause drama with the cut-tag. Everything's fine from the neck down, as far as I know. It's my head that wants looking after. *hugs*

M.

[tx-cronopio.livejournal.com]

No, no, I understand what you were going for, but my heart was in my throat... :)

[tejas.livejournal.com]

I miscarried once (early 30s). Two months after my miscarriage, I got pregnant again (two months was how long my doc said to wait to try again). It took me *five* months before I could start to relax and think this was all going to actually happen. My successful pregnancy was *easy*. No morning sickness and just a touch of nausea in the afternoons for a couple of weeks or so. I was *rock* climbing (though nothing *terribly* difficult) at five months. I worked until the day I went into labor, and went back to work that day after a trip to the doctor who said it might be a day or so to finish the day. Even after I started to relax, it wasn't until I hit 36 weeks before I really started to breathe easily. At least as easily as you can breathe at that point. :-)

I know at least part of what you're going through and I wish there was something else I could say to make it better, but I think the only thing that's going to work is time and a successful pregnancy. Just hang in there and do what you can to stay as stress free as possible.

And yeah, sometimes it would be nice to be able to unlearn things.

Oh, and my 'little one' is now 15, freakin' brilliant (when she bothers to remember she is ;-), checking out colleges and angling for a full ride. She's also my height and may well put on another inch or so before she finally stops growing. :-)

[twoweevils.livejournal.com]

Your daughter sounds amazing! *hugs*

M.

[tejas.livejournal.com]

She's a trip. :-)

Your kid will be, too. :-)

[katla-frej.livejournal.com]

ohh don't worry or rather don't worry sbout worrying, i don't have any children myself but my sister had the same problem after she had a miscarriage fortunately their doctor was very undersatnding and signed her up for ekstra ultrasounds and recommended a great midwife, and we're all (int the family) spending a lot of time reassuring her.

most of the time it seems to help for her if she gets to talk it out, you know just talk about the things that worries her, without being told she's overreacting which the midwife seems to do great with, also because she can answer al those questions that you might not get around to ask a octor about.

i hope you feel better, and good luck at the scan :)

[twoweevils.livejournal.com]

I think just writing it all out helped me calm down. I've talked about this with K over and over again, but seeing it written out made me much less worried. Best of luck to your sister!

*hugs*
M.

[kel2.livejournal.com]

Hugs! It can be so hard when you know all the ways things can go wrong. nothing I or anyone else will change your fears. I know when my sister was pregnant we all held our breaths. We had good reason to. I was born with a birth defect and there has been an other that was born with an unrelated defect. I was sooo glad to see a perfect spine and heart. Now she is coming on to 3 and I think she will be the smartist of all of us and the most energetic.

I hope you get some time to enjoy the moment. I still have everything that can be crossed crossed.

take care
kel2

[twoweevils.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Your niece sounds wonderful!

M.

[starfishchick]

Now you know, and knowing is half the battle. But knowing also makes everything a million times scarier.

It is hard, but I hope you are trying to focus on the positive. xoxo

[twoweevils.livejournal.com]

Thanks, hon. And right backatcha!

M.

[starfishchick]

Plus, you know, with the interweb and all that, we're so much better half-assedly educated about all the bad stuff.

*hugs*

[chicklet-girl.livejournal.com]

I can see where you're coming from, though I've never been pregnant. Just know that we're all wishing the best for you, and meditate on positive things. *g*

(Also, the structure of your entry? And then the lj-cut? YOU NEARLY GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK, LADY. *g*)

[twoweevils.livejournal.com]

Ack! I didn't realize how scary the entry looked until just now. Sorry! *pets* And thanks for the good thoughts. They really help a lot!

M.

[tx-cronopio.livejournal.com]

Me, too!

[adafrog.livejournal.com]

{{{hugs}}}

[twoweevils.livejournal.com]

Thank you! *hugs*

M.

[katla-frej.livejournal.com]

thank you and i'm glad it helped *hugs back*

[celli]

*hugs*