The Lesser of Two Weevils: being the writings of two nice ladies

Possibly this was not the brightest thing to do, but when I explain, I think you'll understand.

I kind of bought some maternity clothes on the weekend.

You see, we were out shopping for shoes at the local outlet farm. It's not really a mall, but one of those incredibly stupid "Smart Centres" with large cubes of stores dropped into parking lots on four corners of a major suburban intersection. Totally not walking-friendly. But I digress.

We found the Motherhood Maternity outlet and decided to go in for a recon -- just to see if they really do carry plus-size maternity clothes and what the quality was like.

I was a little disturbed to find that they keep all of their plus-sized clothes in a tiny corner at the back of the store.

I was less disturbed when I found the following:

- A long black lightweight knit skirt that could double as a strapless sundress for $4.99.

- A cream-coloured twill skirt for $4.99.

- A black jersey faux wrap top for $7.99

- A black 3-button hip-length, fully lined blazer for $9.99

These are good, solid pieces that I can wear to work. In fact, they're so cleverly cut that I could wear some of them now. And they were so dirt cheap that I could not, in good conscience, leave them in the store.

And, with the belly pillow that adds 3 months? I looked quite adorable in them!

I know that there may come a day when the sight of these clothes makes me weep bitter tears. But I would also be weeping next fall if I had to pay full price for this stuff, knowing I had seen these pieces on such great sale.

If nothing else, SOMEONE will get use out of them and benefit from my shopping mojo.

M.

P.S. Peed on two more sticks. Still pregnant.

I'm a conspiracy theorist at heart. After I got the positive blood test result, I started wondering if they might have made a mistake on the bloodwork. Or they might have mixed me up with someone else. Or (in Extreme Conspiracy Mode) they might be lying to keep me coming back for more.

So, I peed on a stick yesterday morning:



Sorry the picture is so sucky. We have a $40 camera from Canadian Tire. And the word "pregnant" is smaller than on American tests because even our pee sticks are bilingual.

In conclusion: I am pregnant.

M.

PS -- I really, really, am pregnant because I peed on another stick this morning. Plus, my HCG level more than doubled in 48 hours (from 83 to 232). I am most sincerely pregnant. Ultrasound to detect the heartbeat on May 14th. This means I can draw unencumbered breath for three weeks before I have to pass another test. Huzzah!

For those of you on the edge of your seats...

I am having a very good cycle.

My hormone levels have been climbing just like they're supposed to. In fact, I haven't had numbers like this since the medicated cycle last May. If I have to go through this again, I'm definitely scheduling acupuncture for Days 1 and 9 of my cycle like I did this time. We went in for the first insemination today. My lead follicle was 1.9cm, which my doctor described as "beautiful" *twirls*. My own doctor was on rotation for insems today and she was really quite positive. She's usually very cautious about not saying anything too encouraging. But she was somewhat...effusive about the excellence of my cycle. *preens*

And the nurse? The one who's usually so surly? She was warm and welcoming and friendly. And she also commented on my fine performance in the secreting of hormones and growing of follicles. *offers ring to be kissed*

After the procedure, we took ourselves out for a huge lunch, then walked around Ikea for awhile. Then came home and fell asleep. K is the best wife in the world.

This has been a long, tough week. What with all the Strangers Touching Me appointments [ETA: K points out that, given the intimate ways they've been touching me, these people are hardly Strangers anymore], the Upheaval at work, the insane volume of work I've got right now, and the joys of cycle monitoring and waiting to see what the tea leaves scans say, I am just about done in. And we've got the second insem tomorrow, which means two trips downtown, in addition to the regular Saturday errands.

But today was a good day. I don't know if I trust my feelings, but this feels good.

M.

For those of you keeping track, yes, the dreaded Two Week Wait is over. My test came back negative. Again. Maybe this is the sign to which we should be paying attention.

Disabling comments. I know you're all there with us and we appreciate it.

M.

I'm taking a different approach to this Two Week Wait.

The last few times, I spent a lot of energy trying to detect symptoms of pregnancy, visualizing fertilization and implantation, and just generally driving myself insane in the belief that I'm pregnant until proven otherwise.

This time is different. Hope and despair are not part of this equation. Instead of being all omgicouldbepregnantRIGHTNOW, I'm treating the whole thing as hypothetical.

I mean, ever since we started this odyssey, I've adapted my lifestyle to one that would support and sustain a healthy pregnancy. So it's not like I suddenly have to stop drinking alcohol or do anything else different over the next two weeks.

Since I already know that any "symptoms" I may have are down to the progesterone, I'm not going to worry about them. I'm going to carry on with my healthy regime, get stuck into the welcome pile of work that has appeared, and try not to freak out about anything at all.

While still doing the meditation and visualization exercises (which have become part of my routine), I'm going to try to hold the whole idea of pregnancy in a separate compartment from the rest of my life. I'm telling myself that, in two weeks I'll take a test that will tell me whether I'm pregnant. Until then, the pregnancy is entirely theoretical.

I know I'm not explaining this very well, but it seems to be working for me.

It's kind of like I've done the resume and had the job interview, now I'm just waiting to find out if they hired me. Nothing I can do at this point will change the outcome. There's no point in packing up my desk right now. Yes, I can make sure I'm ready to go if the call comes, but I've got my current job to keep me occupied just now.

That said, I am so tired. I was dozy all yesterday at work. I fell asleep during acupuncture. I crawled into bed when I got home and let K coddle me. Even though I had a good night's sleep last night, I'm STILL TIRED.

Fucking progesterone. *yawn*

M.

Two frozen samples from our awesome new donor are sitting in a tank at the clinic. Today is Day 13 of my cycle, but I'm not getting inseminated today. Everything seems to be running late or slow. My estrogen is low. My follicles are too small. My LH isn't going up. Compared to last cycle, I'm about 2 days behind where I should be.

I don't know WTF is going on. I'll be seeing the naturopath this morning, so hopefully she can shed some light on the situation and/or get things moving.

I'll get today's numbers this afternoon. If they aren't looking good -- particularly the follicle size, then I'm going to cancel the cycle. The new donor is expensive and I'm not going to waste him on an iffy cycle.

Actually, I think I do know what the problem is. The month I took off to "relax" turned into a month of indulging in behaviours that are not conducive to fertility. I ate and drank too much of the wrong stuff. I didn't exercise. I didn't practice my meditation. I got stressed out over stuff. I leaped off the wagon and rolled down the hill. I've put on weight and I feel like crap and I've had some episodes of extremely black, howling despair. If I was my ovaries, I'd tell me to feck right the hell off.

I suppose it's possible that I'm just going to ovulate later than normal, but I'm very suspicious of the way this cycle is going. The clinic was closed until January 5, so I didn't get my Day 3 bloodwork done -- no idea what my FSH was like. I have to face the fact that my body may be telling me that it's just too late for pregnancy. But I do want to have at least one more try. I want to give the new donor a chance with a natural cycle - especially since we already paid for 2 vials of sperm. And when I decide that I'm really done, I want to try another medicated cycle.

Whatever happens, the "trying to conceive" part of this process should be over by April. That will be the one-year mark with 7 or 8 IUIs under our belts. IVF isn't an option for us because my ovaries don't actually respond all that well to artificial stimulation. They'd be lucky to get 3 viable eggs out of me in a cycle and that's just not enough. Also, we don't have twelve thousand dollars.

We can't say that we didn't try.

M.

Had the test this morning. I won't get the "official" results until later today, but I'm positive that it's going to be negative. I know, I know. I won't know until I know. But I already know, you know?

If you don't hear back from me today, it's because I was right and I don't want to talk about it for awhile. eta: I was right. Entering radio silence now.

I'm upset, that's a given. I'm also humbled by how many people, including the ones reading this have been praying and hoping and supporting us through this process. On my way into the office this morning, I ran into D, a former co-worker. She works in a different location, so I haven't seen her for years. She wanted to know how I'm doing and mentioned that another former co-worker, T (someone who retired years ago) was asking her if she knew how I was doing. I was so stunned. I haven't spared more than a passing thought about T since I don't know when. And here she was thinking about me and wondering how I'm getting on. D was very excited when I told her about my current job and said she knew that T would be pleased because she always thought I was better than the job I had back then.

I managed to hold it together long enough to get to the bathroom and then I wept. Because you forget how many peoples' lives you touch in small ways. And you forget that there are people, unseen and often forgotten, who are wishing you well and sending good thoughts your way.

And, though it's not my Thanksgiving Day, and though I'm feeling bad for the friends I mentioned yesterday, and though I'm not pregnant today, I'm still very grateful for you, and my family, and the cats, and all the terrific people I've known and cared about. And I'm grateful for fandom and the joys and wonders I've experienced because of the amazing fans I've known. Especially the one I married.

That's all for now...except, I found this silly vid for Eric Idle's Galaxy Song, and it's making me smile today. I don't know how to embed a vid from YouTube, so here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzx66cReciU

Someone should vid this song with scenes from Firefly and Torchwood and stuff.

M.

Yesterday, I sent K out to the dollar store for a bunch of pee sticks. Because yesterday morning I was feeling this kind of nibbling/plucking kind of feeling low down on the left side. Implantation, perhaps? Anyway, the test I took last night was negative...although we did see the faintest shadow of a line an hour later. I know, I know. You're not supposed to look at them after 10 minutes. I did another test this morning and it was just as negative.

Haven't abandoned hope yet. It's still early to be getting a result -- especially from a dollar store test. And, you know, I've never even gotten a positive on an ovulation predictor stick, and I know that I ovulate. It's possible that my pee is just very dilute, although [TMI ALERT] it has been smelling very funky for the last few days. I'm at 12 days post-ovulation and my period is due on Thursday -- the day I go for my blood test. As today goes on, I am feeling less pregnant and more premenstrual.

In other news:

-- I bought a pair of winter boots! Thanks, starfishchick for the link on Friday. They're very cozy and look like they're lined with fur from some alien beast.

-- While trying on said boots, I managed to pull a muscle in my side. Ow.

-- I've plotted out my Yuletide story! And actually started writing! Huzzah!

-- We made pie. I did the crust using the food processor, which was ridiculously easy and K made the filling (apple). It's really, really good.

-- We managed to empty the two bookshelves in the hall and do some serious purging.

-- I've lost track of how many naps I had this weekend amid all the other activity. So. Sleepy.

M.

The inseminations went very well. ( Cut for length and discussion of spermatazoa )

M.

So, we just spent another thousand bucks on sperm. This is going to be Mikey's last chance. They've got a whole lot of new "Scandinavian" donors and an Ikea!Baby sounds pretty good to me right now. I wonder if they're born clutching a tiny Allen key?

This is all assuming, of course, that I don't just throw in the towel right now. I can take the poking and prodding. I can handle the warm water, bitter chocolate, and fish oil. It's the cycles of hope and despair that are making me crazy.

Maybe I'm just depressed. We were both down with the flu last week. I'm having an extremely heavy period and I'm exhausted. I'm overwhelmed at work (a week away will do that) and I'm just fed up with everything.

And I want to buy myself a laptop. I don't really need a laptop. We have one, but it's old and cranky. I want something shiny to play with. This is also behind my sudden urge to adopt another cat. Ziva and Sophy's brother is still up for adoption and he's the sweetest creature. But, after six months, Ella is JUST starting to be mellow about the little ones. She tolerates Sophy, but still hates Ziva. And Ziva has learned to give Ella a wide berth...most of the time. Throwing another cat into the mix at this point would be cruel.

In summary: We own two vials of sperm, one laptop, three cats, and a three month supply of lemon-flavoured fish oil. Who could ask for anything more?

M.